Internal war.

I dread that moment.
That moment that I will see you face to face for the first time-
that I can't greet you with a kiss.
I thought for so long I was dying.
But if I thought that pain I felt was death than that must have been the most painless, peaceful slip into slumber.
But this shit?
God this is torture.
Like rotting away.
Like you stabbed my heart but it wouldn't let me die,
it would make me wait,
like I wait to see your ocean balls of sight.
Let each and every body part take it's time to slowly wither away and settle into dust.
This is actual death.
This is me drawn out for everyone to see,
begging for some ease of pain.
But I am done begging you for something.
I have groveled for your acceptance, appreciation, sympathy, and above all honesty for too fucking long.
If you insist on making a joke of our commitment,
Insist on disrespecting me and taring out my insides and eating them for dinner,
Insist on moving on and convincing yourself I never meant that much,
Then go ahead.
I'm disgusted to see who you have become,
Who you really are behind your mask of love,
Who was lying behind my best friend and the love of my life.
God, do you even realize how much I gave to you?
I gave so many tears, so much thought, energy, time.
Does that not mean anything?
Does that really hold no weight?
Does that completely warrant you to not even wait a day after to fancy another strange being?
Well, good luck darling.
Because what you don't realize is how good I was to you.
How special I made you feel.
How much I built you up.
How good I was for you.
You say I was the best thing to ever happen to you.
Maybe I was.
I certainly tried.
Not that me trying was ever good enough for you.
Well have fun with these girls,
I hope for your sake you receive half as much of what I gave you from them.
Because the fucking truth is that no matter how shitty I feel without you,
No matter how fine you try to make yourself seem,
You miss me.
You love me.
And you can try to lie your way out of that,
Wouldn't be the first time you lied to me.
Oh darling dear, don't forget that as you bathe in your self righteousness.
The tally marks of dishonesty that sprouted from your faults are longer than this poem.
But who remained there for you?
Who looked past your faults in the name of love?
Who was there for you in a moments notice?
That was me.
The sad part is, that always will be.
You can break me down and tear me apart and rip me to shreds and
I will always be longily infatuated with you.
I will always be there to talk to you.
And I will always, always, always love you.
And that's fucking awful.
But the truth....is absolutely awful.
And I hate myself for missing you so much.
I hate how much you cross my mind,
How much I long for your kiss and touch,
How much I waste all of the water in my body on tears over you.
I hate how much I care and how little you do.
So when the cloud comes and rains on your motherfucking parade,
Let me know.
I'll still be here, mourning, missing, and loving you.
But if you think I won't be ecstatic that you've finally broken and opened your eyes than you are so wrong.
As wrong as I may be, I am only that way because of what have you done to me.
You have filled me with sin and anger.
I can't eat.
Maybe it's because I am fasting myself from you.
Or because I can't allow myself the simple pleasure of food because I am still stuck with the notion that I don't deserve life's basic gifts.
I hate that you were my forever and always.
If you think I have forgotten that you are so incredibly naive.
You know, you are some coward.
You were scared and you couldn't handle not to be in control of something so you allowed yourself to hurt.
You said things out of fear that I didn't agree with but
Who was I to argue when I agreed with the end result?
But here I am.
A hole in my body.
An empty stomach filled with memories of our beautiful late night conversations.
A brain filled with confusion.
The constant:
Is this what I want?
Is this what is right?
Is this what will make me better?
Is this what will make him better?
Because I am not better.
I am far from better.
I thought I was in pain then.
Well that pain is simple disturbing heart burn.
This pain is an organ jumping out of me, palpitating, and begging life to rid the existence.
Anyway to remove the pain.
If only death could be an option.
Then maybe you could mourn.
Could miss me.
Could cry.
Could actually give a shit about everything beautiful that was us.
I long for so many things I miss about you and I.
Long for our past memories and future endeavors that are all just wasted dreams now.
Long for the one day we could be like wait....maybe this was a mistake. We could try again?
Long for some closure out of this shitty awful situation.
Long to not feel so bad about myself.
So ugly.
So stupid.
So pointless.
So worthless.
So useless.
So much like a piece of shit.
God and even after that it all comes back to you.
You terribly absolutely amazing human being.
I hate how much I am undeniably in love with you.