Hope.

I tell you I'm staying
I'm staying to be a check,
A check off on your list of completion.
I tell you I'll leave.
I'll leave to set an example
An example of the person I wish I could be
I tell you I hate you
I hate you because it's easy
Easier to lie than admit I love you with all of my being.
I tell you to look away,
Look away so you don't see
Don't see the vulnerability that is consuming all of the room.
I slam a door.
I turn the lights off.
I pray.
I pray to a god who I don't know what he looks like.
I don't know how he became a god.
I don't know if he is a god.
Maybe I'm praying to fate.
Maybe I'm praying to chance.
Or maybe I'm praying to the thick toxic air that provides my reason for prayer.
But, god I feel comfort in the loneliness.
Spirals of sin and temptation and pain circle my head until-
All I can think of is you.
Your gripping tormented palms that enclose over all of me.
Your booming voice that sends waves of cold prickly tension down my spine.
Your face when all the blood runs upwards and your smooth pale skins falls as crimson as red as the blood on the bathtub.
I reach up to the the roof as if that might bring me some clarity
As if the God I pray to may be there and grab my hand and squeeze
As if you may walk in the door, rejuvenated and kind in your step, as you help me up.
As if somehow, someway, in this fucked up world the Grimm reaper would shake my hallowed lifeless hand
And bring me to a world of silence. Darkness. Nothing.
I say the words out loud and it tastes like heaven rolling off my tonge.
Hope. Pretty fucking dangerous if you ask me.