Want.

This is silly and naive. But this is real and this is the result of my romanticized outlook on pain:
I want to hear your text tone.
I want to see "Loser" pop up on my Snapchat feed.
I want to spend the night at your house after the tournament, per usual. Just cuddle up and watch a movie or binge eat with your friends or just sit their while you watch woodworking videos.... anything to be closer to you.
I want to kiss you before every class.
I want to look for your car during lunch.
I want to see your face every morning.
I want to wrap my arms around you when I'm sad: like right now.
I want you to force me to eat when I'm like this because you worry about me.
I want to bring you body wash in the shower when you run out.
I want to give you an arousing simple surprise.
I want to use your toothbrush in the morning.
I want to kiss you so hard you'll never be able to forget it.
I want to lay in bed doing homework with you.
I want to hold your hand when it's chilly outside.
I want you to tell me I'm beautiful when I feel like shit.
I want to sit in a passenger seat with your hand on my thigh.
I want you to tell me you're proud of me no matter how well I did at anything.
I want to wear your sweater because it's cold out.
I want to catch up on MasterChef Junior with you.
I want to watch Kill Bill 2 with you since we just watched the first.
I want to experience every first I ever have watching Pulp Fiction with you.
I want to spoon with you when I wake up.
I want to get in arguments with you until I scream or laugh or cry because I know that passion will be consuming the room.
I want to make fun of you for how many trophies you have and spend the next thirty minutes stroking your ego in return.
I want you to annoy the shit out of me.
I want you to make me sob.
I want you to make me cuss out at you out of pure frustration.
I want you to hold me in your arms and whisper "Shhhhhh" in my ears when I'm crying.
I want you to tell me "Deep breaths, babe" when I can't calm my anxiety.
I want you to randomly text me I love you.
I want you to tell me I love you every morning, before every class, when you go to sleep at night, after I do something kind, before we kiss, when you look into my eyes, after you mock me, just because.
I want to make you keep loving me.
I want to play ping pong with you even if I dread it.
I want to go on magical adventures with you.
I want you to ask me to prom.
I want to spend the entire Summer together.
I want to go to college together.
I want to get engaged with glow sticks.
I want to get married one day to those beautiful blue eyes and that crazy, intelligent, fierce, loving man.
I want you.
I want you to want me, too.

Here I am.

Here I am the usual time of day
where I'd be sitting in your car.
Or your coach.
Or your kitchen counter.
Here I am sitting at school alone.
Here I am trying to distract my mind from the ever present reminder that you're watching Master Chef without me.
That you're lying in bed, your body entangled with thought, instead of me.
That you're making a lunch for one, and you grabbed two drinks before you remember our party of two divorced and suddenly you're not thirsty anymore.
Here I am begging my mind to stop remembering the way you taught me how to play ping pong or appreciate music so foreign to my ears.
Pleading my body to stop longing to be cuddled between sheets,
My hands to stop longing to be held in our exact way,
My head to stop longing to share a pillow with you.
Here I am knowing I need to grow.
I need to think for the long term.
I need to learn to be happy.
I need to allow you to smile.
I need to try to be good enough.
I need to stop attempting to live in ignorant bliss.
But god, this pain is unimaginable.
Everyday I think it will be better and
Everyday I think it will cross my mind less and
Everyday I pray for an alternative form of pain.
Here I am, continuing to crave to build anger towards you because anger is so much less powerful than sadness.
Hate is so much easier than love.
Fighting is so much kinder than a total cut off of communication.
Losing a long term love is as hard as a baby's first steps,
Losing a best friend is as difficult as the first day of kindergarten,
But losing both is like losing a piece of yourself.
Here I am, trying to think of solely me.
But for so  long it was WE.
I don't remember a world in which it was solely I.
I was obsessed by your attention and driven by your approval.
I am still constantly seeking to make you happy, and even though I know I deserve my own happiness,
I will still be wound tight to urge your jack and the box of joy to pop and sing like the star spangled banner at a soldiers funeral.
Here's a thought: Why didn't we get a funeral?
Why doesn't our loss deserve a celebration of the beauty it was?
Why doesn't our pain grant a field of mourners dressed in black?
Why doesn't our overwhelming thick amount of tension and unspoken words merit a casket of tears and poems and lost kisses?
There was a death in our goodbyes.
Here I am hoping one day you wake up and understand how hard I worked to be who you wanted.
And how much I fucking loved you.
And how dearly I cared for you and your admiration.
Here I am praying that you could have an epiphany that I, my dear, was the best thing to ever stumble into your life.
Although I lust after such thoughts to bloom and sprout from your beautiful little mind,
Above all I will learn to be perfectly content,
As long as your days are filled with sunshine dances and chocolate hearts and earth shattering laughter.
As long as you can be a fraction of as happy as I once made you.
My poetry is not toxic.
I am not toxic.
Our love was not toxic.
Here I am breathing in the toxicity of the way the wheels of my brain turn and the voice of a fucked up insecurity telling me:
You can't do this.
You can't go on.
You're doing nothing for him.
You aren't good enough.
You're a piece of shit.
You'd be better off dead.
That is something, my sweet darling, you have wonderfully tried to understand and unfortunately never can.
I have these monsters who have found a home in my faulting organs.
Tiny beings consumed by their nature of hate and pain.
Their names are depression.
Loneliness.
Anxiety.
And now....heartbreak.
My heart is undeniably cracked by the force of your crying voice.
And all these little savage creatures guided a blade to flesh in desperation.
Forced an inferiority complex to camp out in my heart when it's decaying bud begins to blossom.
Compelled panic to send fleeting shocks down my spine.
Obliged itself to create storms from my eyes and tornados of my breath.
Here I am worried the strength I built up like an aging willow tree,
will blow down in the rain.
That monsters will spawn weakness inside of me.
Terrified of living my life without a mans love because I fuck things up out of terror that every man will shape shift into my father.
I am a strong woman.
You were my loving companion.
Now I mourn for the death of us.
For the decaying body with our broken hearts and flood of tears and nosebleeds and mucus,
Because love is not always pretty.
Love can not be defined in a couple of words or shown in a single picture.
Love is supplying me with the greatest of pain right now,
because it gave me the closest view of happiness my body would allow me to feel.
Here I am, right now.
Reminiscing on our greatest of memories and all of the never agains and used to bes.
Here I am, loving you completely.
Here I am, doing everything I can to try to know what it's like to be happy.

Internal war.

I dread that moment.
That moment that I will see you face to face for the first time-
that I can't greet you with a kiss.
I thought for so long I was dying.
But if I thought that pain I felt was death than that must have been the most painless, peaceful slip into slumber.
But this shit?
God this is torture.
Like rotting away.
Like you stabbed my heart but it wouldn't let me die,
it would make me wait,
like I wait to see your ocean balls of sight.
Let each and every body part take it's time to slowly wither away and settle into dust.
This is actual death.
This is me drawn out for everyone to see,
begging for some ease of pain.
But I am done begging you for something.
I have groveled for your acceptance, appreciation, sympathy, and above all honesty for too fucking long.
If you insist on making a joke of our commitment,
Insist on disrespecting me and taring out my insides and eating them for dinner,
Insist on moving on and convincing yourself I never meant that much,
Then go ahead.
I'm disgusted to see who you have become,
Who you really are behind your mask of love,
Who was lying behind my best friend and the love of my life.
God, do you even realize how much I gave to you?
I gave so many tears, so much thought, energy, time.
Does that not mean anything?
Does that really hold no weight?
Does that completely warrant you to not even wait a day after to fancy another strange being?
Well, good luck darling.
Because what you don't realize is how good I was to you.
How special I made you feel.
How much I built you up.
How good I was for you.
You say I was the best thing to ever happen to you.
Maybe I was.
I certainly tried.
Not that me trying was ever good enough for you.
Well have fun with these girls,
I hope for your sake you receive half as much of what I gave you from them.
Because the fucking truth is that no matter how shitty I feel without you,
No matter how fine you try to make yourself seem,
You miss me.
You love me.
And you can try to lie your way out of that,
Wouldn't be the first time you lied to me.
Oh darling dear, don't forget that as you bathe in your self righteousness.
The tally marks of dishonesty that sprouted from your faults are longer than this poem.
But who remained there for you?
Who looked past your faults in the name of love?
Who was there for you in a moments notice?
That was me.
The sad part is, that always will be.
You can break me down and tear me apart and rip me to shreds and
I will always be longily infatuated with you.
I will always be there to talk to you.
And I will always, always, always love you.
And that's fucking awful.
But the truth....is absolutely awful.
And I hate myself for missing you so much.
I hate how much you cross my mind,
How much I long for your kiss and touch,
How much I waste all of the water in my body on tears over you.
I hate how much I care and how little you do.
So when the cloud comes and rains on your motherfucking parade,
Let me know.
I'll still be here, mourning, missing, and loving you.
But if you think I won't be ecstatic that you've finally broken and opened your eyes than you are so wrong.
As wrong as I may be, I am only that way because of what have you done to me.
You have filled me with sin and anger.
I can't eat.
Maybe it's because I am fasting myself from you.
Or because I can't allow myself the simple pleasure of food because I am still stuck with the notion that I don't deserve life's basic gifts.
I hate that you were my forever and always.
If you think I have forgotten that you are so incredibly naive.
You know, you are some coward.
You were scared and you couldn't handle not to be in control of something so you allowed yourself to hurt.
You said things out of fear that I didn't agree with but
Who was I to argue when I agreed with the end result?
But here I am.
A hole in my body.
An empty stomach filled with memories of our beautiful late night conversations.
A brain filled with confusion.
The constant:
Is this what I want?
Is this what is right?
Is this what will make me better?
Is this what will make him better?
Because I am not better.
I am far from better.
I thought I was in pain then.
Well that pain is simple disturbing heart burn.
This pain is an organ jumping out of me, palpitating, and begging life to rid the existence.
Anyway to remove the pain.
If only death could be an option.
Then maybe you could mourn.
Could miss me.
Could cry.
Could actually give a shit about everything beautiful that was us.
I long for so many things I miss about you and I.
Long for our past memories and future endeavors that are all just wasted dreams now.
Long for the one day we could be like wait....maybe this was a mistake. We could try again?
Long for some closure out of this shitty awful situation.
Long to not feel so bad about myself.
So ugly.
So stupid.
So pointless.
So worthless.
So useless.
So much like a piece of shit.
God and even after that it all comes back to you.
You terribly absolutely amazing human being.
I hate how much I am undeniably in love with you.

Darling.

Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck were you to tell me you loved me?
What could have possibly possessed you to find inside yourself a truth in those words?
Who the fuck were you to make me love you?
What all self righteous being granted you that kind of power?
Your self?
Well, here's to you, darling.
The most selfish, egotistical, wonderful son of a bitch around.
You played ping pong with my heart one too many times.
You'd make me laugh and then cry and then smile in a nanosecond.
You'd parade on my emotion as if it were concrete when you knew I was made of glass.
You sat in your smug little way and told me I was beautiful.
Who the fuck were you to call me that?
Who the fuck were you to actually make me feel special or good enough for someone for once in my life?
Oh, but you didn't just build me up, darling
No my heart was the twin towers and you strung those down as quick as you had built them.
See I didn't worship you in the way you fancied.
I wasn't willing to expose my full self to you at any given time.
I shared in you things I wish I never did because now I see the compassion I saw in your eyes was just a thick layer of "You can trust me, because It's convenient for me"
Convenient for you.
That's all that fucking mattered, right?
And here, even now, you'd call me a hypocrite.
Tell me I was wrong.
But I think you're so wrapped up in your own vision of yourself you don't see the damage you've caused.
Because, darling, you were a hurricane to my soul.
A fire that lit the match in my stomach and spread out through my entire imperfect being.
A tsunami to my heart, who was dry and naive.
And worst of all, you cast a tornado upon my head.
Moved all the little pieces around.
You caused me confusion above any I'd ever known because you liked being the one to call the shots.
Well guess what darling?
Here's a fucking shot I'm calling.
I will never, ever, allow someone to take advantage of me and bruise ever inch of my skin the way you did.
I will not permit my walls to come down the way they did for you because:
Who the fuck are you?
To sit there and not cry.
To smile all of the time and laugh that stupid fucking laugh when I'm twenty miles away wrapped in a blanket of sorrow starving from pain.
Fuck you and your stupid happiness.
I had a chance of that, ya know, I tasted a fleeting glimpse of it with you, I thought I knew what it was like.
Then you snatched it up as if there wasn't enough.
As if you couldn't breathe so you suffocated me to get enough oxygen.
Well I can't breathe. Or eat. Or forget about the way the world turned when I was in your arms.
Who the fuck are you to make me feel so shitty and alone?
Who the fuck are you to be carrying on in life?
I gave everything I had in me to you,
I changed myself because I figured my life path could alter itself so you could be pleased with who I was,
I worked so damn hard to put a fucking smile on your face,
I gave you all of my time and my mind,
I thought about you more than what any doctor would describe as healthy because my infatuation with you was alive as ever.
Who the fuck are you right now, to where I still can't get you out of my mind?
Do you think of me?
When you wake up do you have that same knot in your stomach?
Do you wish you could walk over to the next room and consume me in your arms and kiss me like it would be the last time?
Who the fuck were you to kiss me for a last time?
God, do you realize all of the fucking shit you put me through?
You think now you're being decent?
Take a good look in the mirror, darling,
because you are poison to me.
I will never stop loving you.
Two fucking years isn't enough for a simple tear.
Well go ahead, darling, feel numb.
Let your body tingle with nothingness.
When you realize how you tore me apart and rained on my purity and took away every first I could ever have then go ahead and ask yourself:
Who the fuck am I?
Because I'm still trying to figure that out myself.

Paternal.

When I grow up, I want to meet a man.
Fall in love with him the way that I fell in love with the way my grandmothers perfume mixed with the smell of cigarettes.
Know a man and all his honest and indecent cracks and nooks and crannies better then he knows them himself.
And marry him, holy matrimony, vows, rings, all of that ever so sweet lovely shit.
And then I want to make that man a father.
See, here's the twist.
This is the part of the poem where love starts to decay, rot, stink.
Where I look at life from a birds eye view of a shanty town in Haiti or a war-torn village in Pakistan.
This is not beautiful.
This is not polite.
This is ugly and real and perfectly haunting.
When I grow up, I want my children to have a father.
But not any father, you see, no he can't be marked by dust on any other day than Ash Wednesday,
 or sing at the gospel every Thursday instead of Sunday just because he feels that way.
No, this man's truest love can not be himself.
This man's biggest accomplishment can not be his own ego.
This man's most promising aspiration can not be written in greed.
You see, he must be a friend of sacrifice.
We together, must grow like new borns, in patience and acceptance.
Let a single gold band covering only a thick inch of skin be a symbol for eternal commitment.
I will not let him exchange his "I do"s for " I did my coworker"
I will not let him exchange a flower delivery for divorce papers on valentines day.
I will not allow myself to have kids who will resent their father.
Some people change and that's the problem,
Sometimes the problem is that they never really changed at all.
It is the innocent who mistake the infidelity of ones soul for purity.
His wit, a clever snake, offering true love, a future, the ideal life all squeezed into a juicy ruby sphere.
But allowing myself to bite into the fruit could be the deadliest mistake I'd ever make.
Because of the selfish sick I must be forever cautious,
So here I am:
rarely playing black jack with my care and trust,
hardly looking twice into a creek rumored to contain cottonmouths with lies for venom,
barely looking to a bar or church for a being so incorrupt.
When I grow up, I long to hear my children cry as least as humanly possible.
To have family dinner several times a week.
To go to every soccer game, ballet recital, theatre show, or rock concert.
To never make my own offspring question whether they want their mother or father at graduation.
Divorce will never be a word in my vocabulary.
Husband will always be associated with forever.
Love, eternal.
Father, altruistic.
Family, united. Unseparated. Together.
When I grow up, I want to give my children a father unlike the man my father turned out to be.

/////My entry for the NSDA's Spoken Words Contest////

Friend?

Your high pitched text tone has distanced itself from mine ears.
I've defeaned myself from the same familiar sound that had filled my cheeks with roses and curved my lips like a crescent moon.
Your laugh grows far from that of mine jokes and your Kodak pixel perfection has paused itself in mid-air transfer.
I know that your name is synonymous with poison and toxicity,
yet I can't help but mutter it in my dreams,
doodle it in my lined sheets of contemplation,
 hunger to call it aloud.
Your history deepens my furrowing lines of worry,
Aging me visually for years.
The wrinkles arguing fiercely with my uncontrollable smile.
Yet, I question, can I override your future?
Can I be the football game my dad recorded over the wedding tape?
Can I be what changes pattern, rhythm, status quo.
What changes you, what changes us.
It's odd going from nothing to something to everything and nothing again.
Call it the circle of life,
I call it a pity.
Call it sin,
I call it human nature.
For Christ sakes who longs not to be called beautiful?
To have the daily reminder of what specialities consume you.
The sun reminds each planet everyday of what makes them worth living.
Shining his every present admiration onto their shallow faces.
The sun reminds me of your eyes.
Of your lips.
Of your words.
Of the way you made me feel justified, remarkable, good enough for you and anyone who may cross my path.
It is a true question, however.
If I miss you
Or the idea of you.
Maybe that's just an idea of something itself.
An excuse to pardon my confused emotions.
Because I fell in love with your being, your humor, your body, your creative compassion.
Make no mistake I was not undoubtedly in love with you as complete love can take years.
There are parts of you, still, that made me crazy with infatuation.
I longed for your skin to seep into mine and sing to me gentle tones of sorrow life.
I ache to know your lips in an alternative way.
To be held with appreciation and tenderness,
excused from passive remarks of disdain.
What a thrill it would be to experience something so new.
Your black hole eyes you hide,
fasinate me.
You were that four leaf clover.
That sole clover in a field of dandelion weeds.
You stood out to me, you were.....
different.
I couldn't contain my intrigue in you.
Even now, through our silence and blind interaction,
I cannot help but be utterly aroused in curiosity about you.
Who are you, you kind mystery?
Your intricacy puzzles me more as I continue to understand you.
Love me, friend.
Or get the hell out of my mind.

Big Woman & Perk.

I is a one letter word

I felt the soft, innocent, blush petals as

I placed another flower on your bedside table,

The sea of their colors brightening the room.

To protect your droopy eyes from

The gloomy shadows of machines and men in white coats

I looked at you,

I felt your pain,

I felt for you,

I felt my own pain,

The pain of having to see a beautiful person be torn apart

And I felt for us

Us is a two letter word

Our dozens of empty jello cups,

Our laughs when the doctors voice would crack one too many times,

Our empty smiles that appeared but had no meaning behind them,

When visitors would talk to us

And made us still believe there was and will always be an us,

We felt a little love in the pills and Dixie cups

That let us be us.

That let me love you.

You is a three letter word

The way your hope shown through crow lines by your eyes,

And the way your furrowing lips were a kiss to my heart

Showed me that you were strong.

I saw in you a kind of tenacity,

A courageous vigor so full with conviction

That nothing was going to tear you from me.

Nothing in all the many discoveries of science

Would keep us apart.

No amount of words in the English language

Were going to drive our love astray.

Love is a four letter word

Love is everything we ever did together,

Love is when you got diagnosed with a lesson in misery,

The same misery we stand hand in hand everyday conquering

The hand of hardships you got dealt

And every day is a new card that we play

The cards of your life we hold our very faith in.

Faith is a five letter word.

I saw faith in the letters people wrote you every day,

And in the dozens of roses and hydrangeas clouding the melancholy room,

Faith followed you in every MRI, X-Ray, and blood lab.

And faith filled me every time a man in a long white coat strolled up to me,

His clipboard in hand detailing my fate.

I still held faith the first time I heard “Rick” and “Cancer” in the same sentence.

Cancer is a six letter word.

But Cancer can’t be spelled without can.

And we can make it through,

if you are willing to continue to hold my hand,

And conquer any mutation that dare to tear us a part.

And I can and intended to spend the rest of my life

Making billions of other words for you and I.

7:43 A.M.

This morning I woke up with the same shitty realization I'm still in purgatory.
The same hideous three inch knot of yard weaved into my stomach.
I remember the minutes it's been since I've heard your voice.
The beat of my alarm makes me think of the beat in your step and the rhythm that your hands would move along my back.
And it makes me miss your touch.
I miss the subtle contact of your hand on my thigh in the quaint bliss of your passenger seat.
I miss feeling at home in your annoyed stare because I knew you could never stay mad at me for long.
But I don't miss your vacant eyes when you're mind is on more important things than me.
I don't miss every time your mouth slipped a "fuck" or "shit" and they crawled through a tunnel in my whole being and pricked every organ, bone, and ounce of flesh.
I don't miss the nearly unforgivable heartaches you served me on a platter and I ate them, with hardly any struggle, for breakfast, lunch, and dinner for weeks.
I can't tell you what it's like to be your friend.
I have never known you in a non complicated, rubber band ball of conflictions and emotions and devotions.
Because I will always be the suffering, shockingly undead fly entangled in your web.
A web of love and contradiction and passion and agony.
And no matter how hard you try to feed on my loneliness, fate will not allow my withering wings to stop their attempt at flight.
I've lost my voice.
So long has it been since I've been influenced solely by myself.
Five months into the complication of us and my voice deepened with an accent of you.
My body stiffened the first time you kissed my shoulder and has stayed that way.
Like week old bread that can be made to have purpose but is no longer so manipulatable.
I am now flexible under only your influence, your guidance, your approval.
I can only stretch in the idea of your smile but I miss the feeling of my free flowing body in dance.
I was a spiral now constricted to a line.
But as my line begins to curve out, I feel as though my bones have been replaced with bricks.
The weight is suffocating and I struggle to move out of this bed. The constant collapse of my head on the pillow makes me question any urge in myself to continue to curl.
I feel a foreign comfort in between the sheets and perfumed blankets.
Perhaps it's because they remind me of your warmth, your furnace of a body that heats my limp fragility every winter.
But it is 7:43 AM.
And it is 34 degrees.
And I am cold.
And I am lonely.
And the only words I can muster enough to see my breathe in the air are your name.

I'm sorry.

I’m sorry.

Seven letters. Two words.

It’s simple, concise, short.

So then why is it so hard for us to say?

Why doesn’t it just roll of our tongue?

Is it because we’re scared or in denial?

Why couldn’t they just say-

I’m sorry I was disgusted by you.

or wasn’t the parent I should have been.

I’m sorry I couldn’t accept you for being who you are.

and I threw a bottle of whiskey at you when you told me you were gay.

I’m sorry I deserted you when you needed me most.

But no. I got disowned and communication cut off.

Well, you know what I’M sorry that I wasn’t who you wanted me to be

and now you will live the rest of your lives without your beautiful baby girl.

So, I’m sorry for you.

Or you know, I’m sorry I betrayed you.

and wasted our marriage.

I’m sorry I ruined your life and psychologically screwed with our child.

or that I lied to you and deceived you.

I’m sorry I gave more to someone else than I ever gave to you.

But no. I got divorce papers and a custody battle.

Well, you know what I’M sorry that I wasn’t enough for you

and now you will live the rest of your life without the person who gave up their world for you.

So, I’m sorry for you.

Or how about, I’m sorry for giving up.

and that I didn’t come to you first.

I’m sorry that I have left you utterly alone.

and because I was scared and thought this was my only outlet.

I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye,

But no. I got an empty bottle of pills and a casket.

Well, you know what I’M sorry I wasn’t there enough for you to stay

and now I will live the rest of my life without the best thing that ever happened to me.

So, I’m sorry for you.

Apologies are hard.

But do me a favor.

Next time you cross the line

or hurt someone's feeling

or just make a simple mistake

hugged your loved one and just say-

I’m sorry.

June 6th.

June 6th.
It all comes back to that.
The giddy anticipation that sizzled in my whole body.
The French fries couldn't make their way to my mouth that day.
My hands shook with tiny nerves and my eyes dropped low as I saw the fry slip my grip into the pool of ketchup.
I boxed the fries and drove home whispering say anythings to myself.
The innocent kind.
The kind you get when your cheeks turn pink when a boy hands you a note with a check yes or no box in fourth grade.
The kind you get when a semi-stranger calls you Manhattan instead of Brooklyn to make you giggle.
The kind you get when you bump noses on your first kiss and it's missing that sparkle but his lips still feel so right with yours.
The kind you get when rainbow glow sticks spell out the holiest question of your youth on the front yard.
The kind that makes you feel ripe like a fresh peach, with breathy joy, juicy and tart yet beautifully sweet.
Time rolls on like credits at the end of a shitty horror film making a cricket out of you with jumps and belly busting screams.
You're hungry so you scower the fridge and you find that nearly year old boxed up fries from June 6th.
And you push them to the back of fridge and let their soggy salted selves continue to rot because you can't bear to toss them away.
The miserable scent is easy enough to disguise.
You see, once you throw those away, the trashcan won't allow you to take them back.
It closes it's ends up and walks itself to a black hole of dirt and nothingness.
Suddenly that pool of ketchup turns into a pool of salty wet sparkles.
Tears, really.
Lying in your bed.
I wipe away the puddle on my cheek with your comforter thinking of how distant your kiss felt.
Like a punch to a pillow you entrusted your comfort to.
Our face to face contact a full map between.
I'm in Seattle and you're in Miami.
I'm in rain and you're in sun.
I'm in green and you're in blue.
I'm in hell and you're in life.
I'm in....thought.
On top of thought on top of realization on top of analysis on top of denial on top of rejection and I'm trying.
I'm trying to squeeze all 125 pounds of my weak, soulful being through your dog door because I crave the chance to get your attention in a new way.
I'm trying to scream even though God has exchanged my teeth for metal and my gums for rubber and my lips for glue and those don't work in the way flesh mechanically can.
I'm trying to march. I'm trying to make it until march. I'm trying to make it until next march and next April and next may and next June.
Next June 6th.
Just another June 6th.
Maybe then I can finally whisper instead of yell.
I can struggle to eat instead of force myself to.
I can run out of my door and jump in your arms saying yes instead of begging you to come pick me up.
But not everyday can be June 6th.
At some point you've got to ask yourself:
Have you got to open life's doors.
Dig deep down.
Grab the box.
And throw away the French fries
Or, can you make it another June 6th?

Hope.

I tell you I'm staying
I'm staying to be a check,
A check off on your list of completion.
I tell you I'll leave.
I'll leave to set an example
An example of the person I wish I could be
I tell you I hate you
I hate you because it's easy
Easier to lie than admit I love you with all of my being.
I tell you to look away,
Look away so you don't see
Don't see the vulnerability that is consuming all of the room.
I slam a door.
I turn the lights off.
I pray.
I pray to a god who I don't know what he looks like.
I don't know how he became a god.
I don't know if he is a god.
Maybe I'm praying to fate.
Maybe I'm praying to chance.
Or maybe I'm praying to the thick toxic air that provides my reason for prayer.
But, god I feel comfort in the loneliness.
Spirals of sin and temptation and pain circle my head until-
All I can think of is you.
Your gripping tormented palms that enclose over all of me.
Your booming voice that sends waves of cold prickly tension down my spine.
Your face when all the blood runs upwards and your smooth pale skins falls as crimson as red as the blood on the bathtub.
I reach up to the the roof as if that might bring me some clarity
As if the God I pray to may be there and grab my hand and squeeze
As if you may walk in the door, rejuvenated and kind in your step, as you help me up.
As if somehow, someway, in this fucked up world the Grimm reaper would shake my hallowed lifeless hand
And bring me to a world of silence. Darkness. Nothing.
I say the words out loud and it tastes like heaven rolling off my tonge.
Hope. Pretty fucking dangerous if you ask me.