speak.

A poem on social anxiety.

Someone says "hey what do you have to say about it?"
Suddenly dopamine surfs the veins that are running through my arms I'm sweating thick droplets of salty fear
and my esophagus has become sewn shut by the tears that have fallen backwards from my eyes.
I choke.
What to say?
Where to go?
God oh why can't I run?
I see the door, it's right there, take the chance, just run.
"Did you hear me?"
Everyone's looking at me.
I'm standing here stuck as my shoes have molded with the hardware floor.
I am frozen still and as my hands run through my hair all I can think of is-
Speak
Speak
Speak
You idiot just say something! Something.
Why can't you think of something? An idiot clouded by the disillusionment of thinking I could actually make it through a day without being seized by a fog of panic surrounding me.
"Hey, Sarah?"
Their gentle eyes latch on to me from all four corners of the room, the north and south poles of the metals connected to their curiosity and my lips are repelling but yet they still continue to stare in hopes to stick together.
Stick to an answer.
Stick to something- just a word to speak.
Speak.
Speak.
Speak.
"Sarah, did you hear me? I just wanted to know your thoughts on the election?"
I could answer the question right now-
"Fuck yeah I agree with you, I mean the answer is clear. With them in office maybe I can at least attempt to have some pride in America again. I think they're the obvious nominee."
The words were roaming around like alphabet spaghetti o's in my brain but my tongue was dry and my lips were stuck like wedding bands to a newlyweds finger and all I wanted to do was say a goddamn word.
The palm of my boyfriends hand rubbing my back and the clockwork instinct I had to grab my inhaler were making the perspiration of my anxiety click to double time.
Breathe, I tell my self.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Just relax,
Take a second and relax.
Relax.
Relax.
Speak,
Speak,
Speak!
God why aren't you speaking?
Why can't you say something?
What's wrong with you?
"Dude are you okay?"
Exhale.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Speak.
"Yeah. I'm voting for them too."
I can feel the pupils that have been sticky tacked onto my sundress, slowly scan the room.
And yet the only place I can manage to look is down at the swirling foam of my nearly full plastic cup of cheap beer.
I wasn't going to drink it but I mean that's what people do at these things right?
Maybe with a drink in my hand I'm less approachable.
Maybe with beer on my breathe I'm less of an outcast.
Maybe, just maybe, if I tried to get something in my system I could be less of an anxious moron.
Maybe I could learn to speak normally, speak on time, speak like a human being, speak.
"No other thoughts? Are you sure you're okay?"
While my lips cannot manage to muster up enough courage and will to open, the nerves on my neck work up just the right amount of force to slowly nod.
And as threads of my chocolate tendrils run into my thickly mascara coated eyelashes, I set down the red solo cup unsipped from as if giving a Scarlett letter to God, stood up, and spoke.
"I need some air."
Breathe.
Inhale.
Exhale.
Relax.
Turn the knob,
Open the door,
Repeat.
Speak this time.
Drink your drink.
You are capable.
You are normal.
You can do this.
You can speak.
Speak.
"So how bout this weather?"